“I’m struggling with… finding love.”

This is a difficult topic for a lot of us to talk about. When we are romantically lonely and looking for love, we’re in a vulnerable place. Often our insecurities are at their most active and that can make us defensive, rather than open to insight and opportunity. It’s even worse if we’re processing a rejection – at that moment, we slide into old narratives about how unloveable and incompatible with the world we truly are. 

There are some classic, even cliche, pieces of advice we all hate to hear when we need it the most, and maybe that’s why it’s so hard to internalize. 

“You have to love yourself first.”

Annoying, but true. Any lasting, healthy attachment requires mutual respect, as well as healthy boundaries and communication. These things are not possible when one person in a relationship does not respect themself. Conversely, trying to attach to someone while feeling insecure and unloveable can yield an insecure or disorganized attachment, an unsustainable relationship. Loving yourself is necessary if you wish to create the conditions, environment, and mindset where a healthy attachment can grow.

“You have to put yourself out there.”

This seems obvious, and therefore annoying to hear–but think about it statistically. The more people you meet, the more likely it is that one of them is compatible with you. The more actively you are participating in your life through doing new things and meeting new people, the more engaged, fulfilled, and happy you can be. This will be crucial when the time comes to share your life with another person.

“It happens when you aren’t looking for it.”

This advice is annoying because it seems impossible to implement. Desperation yields haste, anxiety, and self-doubt; desperation turns off the learning brain, and finding love becomes a matter of survival, life and death, rather than a matter of enhancing a life that is already worth living. This feels like a trap! 

Maintaining a focus on yourself and your other priorities allows you to use your better judgment when exploring relationships and gives you the freedom to wait for a partnership that truly makes your life better.

“Just be yourself.”

At its core, this advice is really about the importance of authenticity and vulnerability. Masking can set unhealthy precedents for the relationship, and you risk losing yourself in the process. Remember that you are not for everybody. You are not a product designed for mass consumption. 

Reach out to schedule your free consultation, so that you can continue your search for love with the support of a compassionate therapist!